Yesterday started on an emotional note; I’d finally caught up with Saturday’s Guardian magazine whilst making an early morning cup of tea (visitors have been arriving in droves at Hotel H since the middle of March. It’s been lovely to catch up with everyone, but it’s been quite tricky trying to fit everything in). Then I turned to ‘Saying goodbye with my camera’, Briony Campbell's moving record of her father’s death from pancreatic cancer and just couldn’t hold back the tears – it was just like saying goodbye to my own dad again and brought back so many memories.
Maybe I should be ‘over it’, (and a few regular readers of this blog will probably think, ‘God! Here she goes again!’). But I honestly don’t think time is a healer. It feels as if Dad’s been away too long and I just wish I could talk to him. Quite simply, there’s a huge hole left in my life that can never be filled and I just try not to fall in it too often.
Anyway, I pushed the tea past the lump in my throat, said hello to the guests and got on with some work. Then a message from my publishers popped into my inbox... and there was the PDF of ‘Turning the Tide’. So what? You might think. That’s what I would have thought and yet it just seemed to elevate my typescript into, well, a real book. It was a truly thrilling moment. I had another howl then rushed round the house summoning folks to admire it – I just wish my dad could have been here to see it too.
Comments
Oh my love, I completely empathise with you about the loss of your dad. I lost my darling dad 6 years ago this October, and I miss him every day. We lost our mum at a very early age and dad became everything to me. In his last couple of years, when he was poorly, we took care of him and made his life as comfortable and beautiful as he had made ours as children. I cherish all those times. You can never ever get over the death of a loved one - but somehow you learn to cope - and now I'm crying so I will stop there ..
Your dad would have been so very proud of you Chris.
Jeanne xx
And, having emotions stirred by thoughts of those for whom we deeply care ... well, I believe that is a key to the best part of the human soul.
xo
I'm sure your dad would be so proud of you - gulp, I shouldn't be doing this at work, esp as I'm now welling up. I'm lucky enough to still have my parents, but miss my grandmothers very much as they were a huge influence on my life.
Sending you cyber hugs - and also very big cyber pats on the back. x
I have no doubt at all that he knows of your achievement, no doubt at all.
Be happy in the memories and don't let the sad ones overide the happy ones.
CKxx
Frances, you are always so thoughtful, thank you.
Aw, Debs, so sorry to make you weepy at work. Thank you for being so kind.
Pondside - thanks. I thought everyone would be saying 'Enough, enough'!
Bodran, sorry, I hope you're all right. Thanks for commenting.
Kate, sorry to add more tears. It is very difficult to face losing your parents, but even though I do miss dad every day I cope by knowing he lives in me (poor man!).
Helen
Straight From Hel
I don't think time is much of a healer either Chris, I lost my Dad nearly 20 years ago and still miss him. Yours would have been so proud of you, I'm sure he knows and is somewhere saying 'That's my girl!'
HAH, exactly m'dear - regards to Jacko.
Hi Jane, welcome and many congratulations on your signing. Great news. I'm sorry your dad didn't see your books but I've no doubt he was proud of you.
Elizabeth - thank you for everything. It's good that you feel like that - are you glad you changed direction?
bradan - oops! That's made me a bit teary again! I hope so.
Helen - it's a bit like having a new baby with emotions all over the place!
Fennie, well I'll just have to work extra hard later!
You are SUPPOSED to be enjoying this book - just relax and go with the flow.
from another 'dad's girl'
I think that someone can be gone a long time but you can be caught unawares and gripped with an overwhelming sense of loss at random moments. You have to be kind to yourself and go with it rather than trying to conceal it or berate yourself for not 'getting over it'.
I don't think there are any rules about bereavement and there will always be precipitants to bringing all back again.
How very exciting to receive the PDF. I can't wait to read it.
Fran, absolutely - yin and yang.. I think.
CC, tha's it exactly - it is those random moments of grief that grip so unexpectedly and powerfully.
JJ - I'm still laughing at your 'copulating beetles' moment!
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