An Emotional Day

Yesterday started on an emotional note; I’d finally caught up with Saturday’s Guardian magazine whilst making an early morning cup of tea (visitors have been arriving in droves at Hotel H since the middle of March. It’s been lovely to catch up with everyone, but it’s been quite tricky trying to fit everything in). Then I turned to ‘Saying goodbye with my camera’, Briony Campbell's moving record of her father’s death from pancreatic cancer and just couldn’t hold back the tears – it was just like saying goodbye to my own dad again and brought back so many memories.

Maybe I should be ‘over it’, (and a few regular readers of this blog will probably think, ‘God! Here she goes again!’). But I honestly don’t think time is a healer. It feels as if Dad’s been away too long and I just wish I could talk to him. Quite simply, there’s a huge hole left in my life that can never be filled and I just try not to fall in it too often.

Anyway, I pushed the tea past the lump in my throat, said hello to the guests and got on with some work. Then a message from my publishers popped into my inbox... and there was the PDF of ‘Turning the Tide’. So what? You might think. That’s what I would have thought and yet it just seemed to elevate my typescript into, well, a real book. It was a truly thrilling moment. I had another howl then rushed round the house summoning folks to admire it – I just wish my dad could have been here to see it too.


Cottage Garden said…
That must have been a great moment Chris - well done on the PDF.

Oh my love, I completely empathise with you about the loss of your dad. I lost my darling dad 6 years ago this October, and I miss him every day. We lost our mum at a very early age and dad became everything to me. In his last couple of years, when he was poorly, we took care of him and made his life as comfortable and beautiful as he had made ours as children. I cherish all those times. You can never ever get over the death of a loved one - but somehow you learn to cope - and now I'm crying so I will stop there ..

Your dad would have been so very proud of you Chris.

Jeanne xx
Flowerpot said…
I so sympathise with you over that piece - I would have been exactly the same. But while I don't believe in an after life in them sitting up there watching us, I do feel they know, and I am sure he is bursting with pride, Chris, at the PDF of TTT - well done you!! xxx
Chris Stovell said…
Oh Jeanne, how lovely of you to write and I'm sorry for making you cry. Your dad sounds a very special person who had a lot to shoulder yet still managed to give so much to you. No wonder you miss him. Cx
Frances said…
Chris, I congratulate you on reaching another stage of TTT's publication. Bravo!

And, having emotions stirred by thoughts of those for whom we deeply care ... well, I believe that is a key to the best part of the human soul.

Debs said…
Congratulations on the PDF of TTT, I'm so looking forward to receiving my pre-ordered copy.

I'm sure your dad would be so proud of you - gulp, I shouldn't be doing this at work, esp as I'm now welling up. I'm lucky enough to still have my parents, but miss my grandmothers very much as they were a huge influence on my life.

Sending you cyber hugs - and also very big cyber pats on the back. x
Pondside said…
What a day, Chris. Sometimes it's hard to know when it's all 'too much'. Does all the coming and going help to stop one from dwelling on loss (and no, please don't feel you have to get over it - your dad obviously left a huge gap when he went)or does it distract you from the lovely little pleasurable moments like hearing about the PDF version?
bodran... said…
I miss my mum everyday time doesn't heal 10yrs and its still as raw .xxo.
Calico Kate said…
I seem to have been crying every day this week so far - quite exhausting. A wonderful funeral on Monday, Avatar last night and now this. I have a tendancy to cry in sympathy for others sadnesses. I know how lucky I am to till have my folks and live in Terror of the day I don't. It has been a recent conversation recently as they have made me executor of their wills. That they even need to think to write one terrifies me. So although I don't know what it is like I sympathise HUGELY And send you a big {{{hug}}}.
I have no doubt at all that he knows of your achievement, no doubt at all.
Be happy in the memories and don't let the sad ones overide the happy ones.
Chris Stovell said…
Fp, I'd really like to think so.

Frances, you are always so thoughtful, thank you.

Aw, Debs, so sorry to make you weepy at work. Thank you for being so kind.

Pondside - thanks. I thought everyone would be saying 'Enough, enough'!

Bodran, sorry, I hope you're all right. Thanks for commenting.

Kate, sorry to add more tears. It is very difficult to face losing your parents, but even though I do miss dad every day I cope by knowing he lives in me (poor man!).
Helen Ginger said…
Don't listen to those who say you should be over it. The pain will lessen, but not go away. My dad died 21 years ago and there are still moments when I think of him and my heart aches. It's not the intensity that it used to be but it still makes my throat tighten.

Straight From Hel
her at home said…
Grief is like waking up each morning and finding out someone has dragged the carpet out from under your feet and left your spinning into a black hole in space.
Jane Lovering said…
Congratulations on reaching the next stage, you have a fabulous cover too! I empathise with your feelings, I lost my dad two years ago,before any of my books hit print, and I still regret that he never got to actually hold my books. But I know he was proud of me anyway, as I'm sure your dad was of you...
elizabethm said…
Your cover looks just stunning. There is no way you ever get over the loss of someone you love. It just changes I think, and your father was clearly someone who would leave a huge gap! Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. I may be so calm at the moment I am asleep :)
bradan said…
Congratulations on the PDF, looking forward to my copy arrivng.
I don't think time is much of a healer either Chris, I lost my Dad nearly 20 years ago and still miss him. Yours would have been so proud of you, I'm sure he knows and is somewhere saying 'That's my girl!'
HelenMHunt said…
Seeing the book for the first time must have been lovely, but it's not surprising you're feeling emotional. Losing parents isn't easy to get over.
Fennie said…
Just wonderful. But however do you work when your house is full with guests?
Chris Stovell said…
Helen, thanks for visiting - I can imagine that the pain still catches up, I don't suppose it's anything you ever get used to.

HAH, exactly m'dear - regards to Jacko.

Hi Jane, welcome and many congratulations on your signing. Great news. I'm sorry your dad didn't see your books but I've no doubt he was proud of you.

Elizabeth - thank you for everything. It's good that you feel like that - are you glad you changed direction?

bradan - oops! That's made me a bit teary again! I hope so.

Helen - it's a bit like having a new baby with emotions all over the place!

Fennie, well I'll just have to work extra hard later!
Dads and their girls will never be parted.
You are SUPPOSED to be enjoying this book - just relax and go with the flow.
from another 'dad's girl'
Fran said…
That's life, isn't it? Ups follow downs and downs follow ups. I guess it's just as well there are some of both!
CC Devine said…
Firstly, great news about the PDF and secondly, sorry to hear that you've been feeling wobbly.

I think that someone can be gone a long time but you can be caught unawares and gripped with an overwhelming sense of loss at random moments. You have to be kind to yourself and go with it rather than trying to conceal it or berate yourself for not 'getting over it'.
JJ Beattie said…
I'm sorry but I've just laughed at your bad dream from the post before! Sorry. Not supportive, I know.

I don't think there are any rules about bereavement and there will always be precipitants to bringing all back again.

How very exciting to receive the PDF. I can't wait to read it.
Chris Stovell said…
SBS, your 'go with the flow' advice worked very well for me before so I must remember to keep it in the forefront of my mind!

Fran, absolutely - yin and yang.. I think.

CC, tha's it exactly - it is those random moments of grief that grip so unexpectedly and powerfully.

JJ - I'm still laughing at your 'copulating beetles' moment!

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