Feel the Fear (and Go On Holiday)

Tom and I are shortly off on our hols. Our carbon footprint is tiny, more of a toe print actually, so I don’t feel guilty about that. In fact this is only our third package tour trip to the sun. Money, or rather the lack of it, has put the brakes on travelling and I still feel uneasy about taking off even on a cheap deal. But then I feel uneasy, full stop. Whilst Tom has been telling me, for years as it happens, that we need a proper break, I’ve been dragging my heels. We do, after all, live in a very beautiful part of the world and are both, engaged in fulfilling occupations but I accept the fact that I could get a tad too cosy here.

But, instead of looking forward to some time out in the sun, I found myself growing more apprehensive. Turning on the TV last week, having returned from the heaving metropolis of Carmarthen with some Matalan T-shirts, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see a plane sprawled across Heathrow covered in foam. My concern is partly to do with being a complete and utter control freak (frankly I’d feel happier flying the plane myself, but I don’t suppose that would suit anyone else) but its also to do with the fact that when I go on holiday something goes wrong. Don’t believe me? Well, may I present the evidence…

Tangier
All our friends are honeymooning on Corfu or Crete so Jay, the girls’ dad and I decide to be different and head for Morocco. We have no sooner touched down when Jay starts chucking up after a dodgy burger at Gatwick. He spends most of the next two days in the en-suite. On a tentative solo trip to see what’s beyond the hotel my pale, just-off-the plane skin, attracts every vendor in Tangier hoping to sell me something. I retreat back to our room and cry.

When Jay recovers we go on a day trip to Gibraltar. He gets bitten by a monkey.

Tangier sees rain for the first time in months.

On the penultimate evening we enjoy a ‘traditional’ Moroccan night with wonderful food. In the night the whole world drops out my bottom and I only just recover in time to catch the plane home.

Jay is interrogated at the airport by security guards who think he is carrying drugs. A ‘Midnight Express’ scenario threatens until they get bored and allow us to board.

Zakynthos
Scene of the famous ‘ship wreck on the beach’ beauty stop. Also scene of Lily and I narrowly avoiding death by drowning.

Kefalonia
Hurray! Tom and I head off for our first holiday together! We arrive at Kefalonia airport – my luggage does not. Naïve and experienced travellers that we are, we have not mixed cases and I have only the clothes I stand up in. The good news is the local shop sells clothes. The bad news is Susannah and Trinny wouldn’t be seen dead in them. I put on my new prison blue maternity tent for our evening meal and Tom tells me I look lovely. He later admits he is lying through his teeth but is too hungry to risk me having a paddy.

Joy of joys! My luggage turns up the next day in a strange new bag… that’s because my case has been run over by a tractor or an airplane! My clothes have arrived but are covered in suntan cream and oily wheel marks.

Fuertaventura
Tom has been very ill after a minor op has gone horribly wrong and he contracts MRSA. We book a cheap flight to the sun so his poor battered body can start to recover. I am nearly battered myself when I ask the little boy behind me not to kick my backside all the way to the Canaries and a Vinnie Jones-alike dad rears up and asks in not so many words what my problem is. Feel vindicated when he sits down and hisses at his son to ‘stop kicking the lady’.

See? Can you see why I’m entitled to worry? I have already fallen over this week, (after a night out at the West Wales Cruising Association and, no, not that kind of cruising and, no, I wasn’t drunk) so I’m hoping that going away with cuts and bruises to my right arm and leg and a dodgy back means that I’ve got my bad luck out the way before leaving. So long as I stay away from monkeys, big seas, Pit Bull Man, and my luggage doesn’t throw itself under a plane I’ll have a great time!

Hwyl fawr!

Sorry - no painting today. My computer is refusing to play...

Comments

Frances said…
Well, Chris, I would say that you are well overdue for a splendidly smooth vacation. This trip just might be the one! I think that those previous bumps in the holiday mode have provided you with plenty of "that type" of material for your writing.

Now, I hope that you will just soak up joy.
xo
Elizabethd said…
Chris, you have suffered all this..what more could happen? I'm sure it will all go very smoothly. You will cope with everything, and come back refreshed.
elizabethm said…
Have a great time and console yourself with the thought that your disasters are good copy. Hope you come back refreshed and raring to go.
Debs said…
What a catalogue of disasters, so funny to read but not to endure. I feel sure that it is now well and truly your turn to have a splendid, incident free trip. So good luck and have a wonderful holiday.
Fennie said…
Go, relax and have a wonderful holiday Nothing will go wrong this time. But you hav had some amusing escapades - or rather you have had the grace and wit to write them up so as to make them hilarious, though I can imagine you felt rather differently at the time. Look forward to sunny tales of coconuts falling on heads in a week or two.
bodran... said…
AND When you get back from ths disastrous holiday! ! SORRY, SORRY just jealous..You'll have a great time if not at least it won't be ME !! xx lol
Hannah Velten said…
Blimey! Don't think I would venture away either, with your luck. However, with all those disasters behind you, there are plenty of good experiences awaiting you - I'm sure of that. Sorry, but I did laugh at your disasters (just a little - though in my defence it's your fault for writing it funny!)
sorry ..shrieked so much had to read the lot out to bemused other half...every though of writing comedy? I was only saying today I'm sure I would be fine on a plane if they would just let me drive .....have a great time and a good rest!
Crystal Jigsaw said…
Your holidays are indeed eventful, I am looking forward to hearing about the next one! Hope it's really great.

Crystal xx
Flowerpot said…
I can see why you're not overly enthusiastic about holidaying abraod and I'm ust like you - very comfortably settled at home thanks. In fact we never go anywhere other than Devon! have a great time though.
Milla said…
very funny! Have a great time. And, spooky, had JUST been typing "Matalan" in response to KittyB's blog, and there, up it crops, in yours.
muddyboots said…
go and chill, we all need a break, beside we have had a tsunami and plane crash so they wont happen again for a bit..........
Lane said…
Your catalogue of disasters is soo not funny but I'm afraid I laughed anyway.

This time it will be different. It will be a blissful, incident free trip with you wearing all your spangly new colours having an absolute ball. Honest it will. I feel it in my water:-)

Have a great time Chris x
Woozle1967 said…
Enjoy your holiday Chris - it WILL be fab!!x
Zinnia Cyclamen said…
Then it's time you had a great time. Go on - break that mould!
LittleBrownDog said…
Keeping everything crossed that your holiday will be blissfully uneventful. Thought my holidays were jinxed, but have only minor blips such as man sitting next to me on plane turns out to be mad streaker who proceeds to divest himself of all his clothes and walk up and down the aisle throughout the flight until on of the air stewards manages to corner him in the loo.

LBD xx
Pipany said…
Don't go!!! For the sake of your fellow passengers I think it is yout duty to stay home (jealous? Me?). No, seriously Chris, have a great time xx
CAMILLA said…
Hi Chris,

I am not a lover of flying, have to be nearly unconcious to get me on a plane, but there are so many places I want to visit.

Hope that you are having a lovely holiday Chris, and everything runs smooothly this time for you. Hoping to see lots of lovely pics on your return.

Camilla.xx
Posie Rosie said…
Oh that made me laugh, a woman after my own heart, travel has the same effect on me....especailly the flying part...and of course there is always something in the media just before you are due to go. Have a great trip, all of these worries will melt away I am sure and you will come back feeling 'refreshed and full of zing'...have a good one. Posie
Debs said…
Hope you had a wonderful holiday with no disasters this time.

There's an award for you over at mine.
Cor I do hope the tide turns for you - sorry awful pun. And we will be declining any future offers to go on holiday with you . . . . .

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