Sunday 9 March: Shades
Nick Drake once sang about a black eyed dog who knew his name. The song always resonates with me because the black eyed dog knows my name too. These days we get along companionably and don’t bother each other much but lately he’s moved a little closer to my side. I don’t want to be drawn into that downward spiral so first on set I set myself a brisk, difficult run. The steep ascent at the end of this run is a b*gger but I dig in and tell myself I’ve got to keep going. There is a nasty moment when, gasping for breath, I notice a newly-picked, pink and glistening fragment of a tiny animal backbone. I’m not usually squeamish but this nearly pushes me over the edge and I have to choke back nausea whilst forcing myself to keep running but the sense of euphoria when I achieve my goal makes up for the pain.
The quick fix of a good run enables me to focus on the triggers which have set off this black mood. For help with identifying trigger points I would recommend Grouse’s ‘Mind-boggling’ blog and her post on depression http://mymindbloggling.blogspot.com/. One flash point for me is what I’ve identified as ‘PTG’ or Post Traumatic Guest here at Hotel H where we’ve just waved goodbye to Mil and Dil. Mil is a dear soul but much preoccupied by what she can’t do or can’t eat and Tom and I are worried to note that the list of prohibitions has grown. It means that Mil and I have spent the week inside doing not very much whilst Dil, who is still raring to go, and Tom are off doing jobs on the boat. By the end of the week Tom and I are both at a loss as to how to change the situation; it’s frustrating and draining.
Something else bothering me is a creeping fear which I call ‘When Is It All Going To Go Wrong?’ I hate to tempt fate but life has been good since we moved to west Wales two years ago. After what seemed a never-ending run of truly awful times we have found some clear water; we live in a beautiful part of the world, we are happy in our occupations and between us we have four children of whom we are immensely proud. Why do I have to look over my shoulder wondering if something horrible is about to happen?
Thirdly… book, oh the book! Rewriting has been tougher than I ever imagined and I think a better novel is emerging for it but I have been completely wracked by self-doubt along the way. And I’ve stalled. With only a couple of chapters to revise, breaking off to sit with Mil for a week has made it difficult to pick up my thread again. Still, at least I can do something about this…I can apply my bum to seat and JUST DO IT!
Tuesday 11 March: Light Relief
Okay, I really will apply bum to seat but first a coffee with fellow blogger Preseli Mags who lives across the hills from me. We end up chatting for three hours so, yes, it went well! Mags is delightful company and we’re hoping to venture further afield to meet more PurpleCoo bloggers later in the year. And Julie 'e', if you’re reading this, get blogging again soon, will you?
Painting is 'Under the Castle' by Tom Tomos SOLD